Mother’s Day was always a depressing day for me. Especially, during the times we were trying so hard. My husband always made it special though because I was a mom to my stepson, so even though he wasn’t here, my husband let me know how much he loves me and looks up to me. I am forever grateful for that. Because I have, and always will, think of Gabriel as my own.
But, being one that was struggling with infertility, I always felt empty and sad on Mother’s Day. Not only because I wanted a baby more than anything, but also because of the losses of my babies. I am still a mama to my angel babies.
Now that Mother’s Day has approached, while God did grant my prayer for a child, I will be spending my Mother’s Day with my miracle baby, and am forever grateful.
My Mother’s Day over the years have been completely different than this one. Instead of waiting and wanting to mother my precious baby, now I am holding my miracle baby wishing time would slow down and I’m cherishing every beautiful moment.
I debated on even writing something for Mother’s Day, because I don’t want to say anything to hurt anyone that is going through what I did. But, this is another reason I write these, not only for helping others, but to capture mine and Grayson’s relationship. So, I am writing this letter to my son on our second Mother’s Day.
My Mother’s Day used to be sad, depressing, and lonely. I would dread this day every year. It made me long for the baby I wondered if I could even have. It made me envious of all those mother’s who were celebrating their children or soon becoming a mother. It was truly a painful day.
But… this year, 2016, is so different. I am still sad for those women who are struggling with what I had been in the years past. Not leaving the house that day, because they don’t want to be reminded of something others have and they don’t. But, I am also so happy and content. Happy from all the joy and excitement you have brought me this last year. I am forever grateful to God who granted me the desires of my heart, you!
As hard as some days may be, or were with your acid reflux, and having to sleep sitting up to hold you, to days when you’re teething. You’re first teeth were the worst. Let’s just say 30 dirty diapers in a day. But, those moments are what make me feel and know I am a mother. And that you had to rely on me as your mom.
I’ve got to see all your firsts. You are now walking and not wanting to be held as much. You’re not needing me as much as you did a couple months ago. You eat on your own and don’t need, or let alone want, me to feed you. You don’t want me to hold you while napping anymore. I miss these days, even though they weren’t that long ago.
But, I love watching you sit and concentrate on books. Then, coming to me wanting me to read. Kissing your stuffed animals. I love when you say mama, and love when you reach for me when you see me. I love when you dance when you hear music. I love that look you get when Mickey Mouse comes on. I love when you point and scream with attitude. I just love how you are growing and learning. You are such a different baby than you were when we brought you home from the hospital, a helpless, tiny newborn.
In the years leading up to this Mother’s Day has always been about me: My infertility, my hurt, my loneliness. But, let’s change that. I’ve realized Mother’s Day is not about me. It is a day to celebrate you and me, together. Let’s celebrate that God blessed us both with each other. You, my son, are my constant, beautiful reminder that the God we serve is amazing and can do more than we could ask for.
The 4 years of trying, 4 IUI’s, 5 different doctors, loads of fertility meds, tons of vitamin supplements, 1000’s of wasted pregnancy tests, tons of disappointments, cries, ultrasounds, and shots in the butt, were all worth it. Because, being your mom has already been the greatest honor of my life.
No matter if your Dad and I have more kids or not, you will always be very special, in a very special way. Because, you are the son who made my dream of motherhood come true.
Thank you son, for making my dream come true and for letting me be your mom. I will never, ever let you down. Because of you, I am celebrating Mother’s Day happy this year and every year to come.
From my heart to you, Your mama