To My Dearest, Sweet Abijah,
Baby girl, it has been 7 years since you went to be with your main father up in heaven. There is not a day that I do not think about you. I thought after having your baby brother, my heart would heal a little, but not a chance. It’s actually worse on me, because I look at him and wonder, “What you would’ve looked like? Would you have mama’s eyes like baby brother? Or our big lips? What color would your hair be?” Too much going through my head. It hurts me knowing I didn’t get to hold you, and kiss you until you got mad at me and push me away like your brother does. I didn’t push you around in a stroller like a crazy person, or get to rock you to sleep for naps or bedtime. I didn’t get to just stare at your beautiful face while you lay there sleeping next to me. I didn’t get to tell you, “Abijah, I love you sooo much” like I tell your brother. Or, “Abijah why are you so cute!” I didn’t get to hold you and dance with you and see you smile that gummy smile at me. It hurts me everyday, knowing you didn’t get to experience any of these my baby girl, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry my body failed you and I couldn’t protect you. At first, I was angry at God and always asked him why? Why would you do this to me? Why would you do that to my baby? Why? Why me? But, God was never to blame. It’s just he had better plans for you my sweetie!! Way better plans then this mama could’ve ever gave you. You are in heaven dancing around on streets of gold and not having a care or worry in the world! That right there baby makes mama feel at ease. I’m sure you are just as beautiful as I imagine!
Baby girl this song is dedicated to you, every time I hear it or play it, I cry and think of you.
“Dancing In The Sky”
Tell me what does it look like in heaven, Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say? Does the sun shine bright forever, Have your fears and your pain gone away. “Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left. And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness. Oh-oh, I I hope you’re singing in the angels choir. I hope the angels know what they have. I’ll bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you arrived. So tell me, what do you do up in heaven. Are your days filled with love and light. Is there music? Is there art and invention? Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive? “Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left. And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness. Oh-oh, I I hope you’re dancing in the sky. And I hope you’re singing in the angels choir. And I hope the angels know what they have. I’ll bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you arrived. I hope you’re dancing in the sky. And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir. And I hope the angels know what they have. I’ll bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you arrives. Since you arrived.
For my story check out Infertility Journey: Part 1 – Ectopic Pregnancy