Letter to my Angel Baby

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To My Dearest, Sweet Abijah,

Baby girl, it has been 7 years since you went to be with your main father up in heaven.  There is not a day that I do not think about you.  I thought after having your baby brother, my heart would heal a little, but not a chance.  It’s actually worse on me, because I look at him and wonder, “What you would’ve looked like? Would you have mama’s eyes like baby brother? Or our big lips? What color would your hair be?”  Too much going through my head.  It hurts me knowing I didn’t get to hold you, and kiss you until you got mad at me and push me away like your brother does.  I didn’t push you around in a stroller like a crazy person, or get to rock you to sleep for naps or bedtime.  I didn’t get to just stare at your beautiful face while you lay there sleeping next to me.  I didn’t get to tell you, “Abijah, I love you sooo much” like I tell your brother.  Or, “Abijah why are you so cute!”  I didn’t get to hold you and dance with you and see you smile that gummy smile at me.  It hurts me everyday, knowing you didn’t get to experience any of these my baby girl, and I’m sorry.  I’m sorry my body failed you and I couldn’t protect you.  At first, I was angry at God and always asked him why?  Why would you do this to me? Why would you do that to my baby?  Why?  Why me?  But, God was never to blame.  It’s just he had better plans for you my sweetie!!  Way better plans then this mama could’ve ever gave you.  You are in heaven dancing around on streets of gold and not having a care or worry in the world!  That right there baby makes mama feel at ease.  I’m sure you are just as beautiful as I imagine!

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Baby girl this song is dedicated to you, every time I hear it or play it, I cry and think of you.

“Dancing In The Sky”

Tell me what does it look like in heaven, Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say? Does the sun shine bright forever, Have your fears and your pain gone away. “Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left. And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness. Oh-oh, I I hope you’re singing in the angels choir. I hope the angels know what they have. I’ll bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you arrived. So tell me, what do you do up in heaven. Are your days filled with love and light. Is there music? Is there art and invention? Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive? “Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left. And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness. Oh-oh, I I hope you’re dancing in the sky. And I hope you’re singing in the angels choir. And I hope the angels know what they have. I’ll bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you arrived. I hope you’re dancing in the sky. And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir. And I hope the angels know what they have. I’ll bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you arrives. Since you arrived.

Dani and Lizzy – Dancing in the Sky

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For my story check out Infertility Journey: Part 1 – Ectopic Pregnancy

 

24 thoughts on “Letter to my Angel Baby

  1. Natalie

    My heart goes out to you and your family. I lost my son at 17 weeks pregnant last year, and that was one of the most painful things that I have ever had to experience. It’s been 7 months since we lost him, and I still find myself grieving over his loss. Like you mention in your post, I miss the moments that I should’ve had with him–singing him to sleep, watching him grow, seeing him play with my daughter–but which were taken away from me when I found I was miscarrying. That pain is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

    Reply
    1. mommyatlast Post author

      First off Natalie I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are feeling and I’m sorry for that. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It truly is hard but definitely makes us stronger in the end. It’s 7 years later and I still am grieving so I can’t lie and say it will get easier but I can say having faith in God and leaning on him as definitely helped me cope with it in the right way. If you ever, ever need someone to just talk to, you know where to find me. I’d love to be there for you girl. Know you are not alone and our babies are up there dancing together in the streets of gold looking down on us! Stay strong like you are mama! I will be praying for you!
      Take care and God bless!
      Valarie

      Reply
  2. Autumn

    I can’t imagine the loss of a child. I am not yet a mother, but my parents struggled with infertility 10 years before my Mom was given an emergency hysterectomy due to a tubal pregnancy. My parents didn’t even know it, but I ended up coming 8 years later via an adoption through someone they had not seen in years.

    Thank you for sharing your story so others can be more open about theirs!

    Reply
    1. mommyatlast Post author

      This is absolutely beautiful, Thank you for sharing your parents story! Awesome! God truly blessed them and you! Infertility is a hard thing to deal with and there is more women out there that struggle with it. Definitely something nobody should have to go through. I am so glad you see that I’m helping others to share their stories, that’s exactly what I want. Means a lot to me!
      Take care and God bless!
      Valarie

      Reply
  3. Jhana

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You have captured my grief, and put it into words. Thank you so much. I lost my angel baby at 19 weeks a year and a half ago and I still feel and think all of these things. Hoping to be a momma someday.

    Reply
    1. mommyatlast Post author

      First off I am sorry for your loss. You are so strong for having to endure a loss. And you are a momma whether your baby is here on earth or up in heaven. Remember that! And there is hope girl, I’m a walking testimony! Trust in God! It’s on his time and it will happen if you have faith in him! Stay strong like you are mama!
      Take care and God bless!
      Valarie

      Reply
    1. mommyatlast Post author

      This post made me smile! Thank you so much Becky! Yes she is smiling down on me and her brother with a beautiful smile!
      Take care and God bless!
      Valarie

      Reply
    1. mommyatlast Post author

      Thank you Aishwarya! I am glad you can feel it cause that’s how I felt writing it! It definitely is a sensitive thing for me.
      Take care and God bless!
      Valarie

      Reply
    1. mommyatlast Post author

      Thank you Shann Eva! That makes me feel so good. You’re right I bet she can hear every word mama says to her! 🙂
      Take care and God bless!
      Valarie

      Reply
    1. mommyatlast Post author

      First off I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a strong women and an inspiration. I would never wish the pain of losing a child on anyone. Hugs to you as well Karen!
      Take care and God bless!
      Valarie

      Reply
  4. Angie Scheie

    Lovely. I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate your honesty with your heart. I had a miscarriage a little over a year ago and we are yet to have our angel baby years in. Sometimes I feel like just finally getting that baby will make the pain go away so it was interesting hearing you say that is doesn’t. Which makes sense of course; just wishful thinking on my part. They will always be a part of us. Congrats on your rainbow baby! xoxo

    Reply
  5. Cindy

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so thankful that you are willing to share your heart to be a comfort to others. I had two miscarriages one at 10 weeks and the other just 5-6 weeks along. That was 10+ years ago and I still get weepy sometimes but time has helped heal me a bunch and having 3 beautiful babies (ok they are 7, 5, and 4 LOL). Thank you so much for sharing your ectopic pregnancy story as well. I’m so thankful for the internet so mommy’s who lose a baby don’t have to feel all alone which I did way back when.

    Reply

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